Pearly Gates




Will Owen








monologue skit

Introductory Information

Synopsis:  In a surprise and unwelcome interruption of daily life, a person "gets the call from up above".

Cast Breakdown:  One actor or actress (and a voice-over from their phone).

Scene Breakdown:  The action takes place anywhere somebody can answer their phone.










Pearly Gates

Bee-bee-buh-lee-bleep, beep, beep, beep...ringtones etc.

Hello?  ...  Yeah..yeah, that's me.  ...  Who is this?  ...  C'mon. You can't be serious. Not here. Not now. I just got here. I'm still learning!  ...  What do you mean, "yeah, but my time has come?" My time for what?  ...  You got to be kidding? Like we all have time for cold calls, right?  ...  What!? Really!? Do you know who I am? Do you know how busy I am? And what? Like you control my schedule? Do you know who controls my schedule? Not you! Not last I heard! I'm busy, busy with 'way too many first things first in life. No, seriously, I've got a lot to do.  ...  "No choice?" "We have no choice." That's what they all say when they want to do something mean and stupid. My number isn't up, okay? I refuse with every one of the umpteen billion cells I'm made of now -- and every one they'll still generate as replacements between now and..and then... You got that?  ...  Yeah, and so what?  ...  Yes..yes..yes, of course.  ...  I'm listening, I'm listening. I've always believed in listening -- it's always been a big part of my success, inter-personally and financially.  ...   Look, like before we like plunge into this, I mean can't we like negotiate something -- at least let's explore the possibilities? Could there be something in it for you? Of course! Let's just think through the options and opportunities, okay?  ...  Uh-huh. Yes, but...  ...  "No more if ands or buts than you had when life you were launched on when that doctor slapped your butt?"  ...  C'mon. I'm serious. I'm telling you, there's a win-win here somewhere -- for you, your organization, your suppliers and your customers. Tell me a little bit about yourself..and how'd you say you got my number?  ...  You got everybody's number?  ...  I know, I know, I'm old enough to remember when there used to be privacy -- and even the government respected it look what we've come to, in so many areas of life -- and those I won't miss. What did you say your name was?  ...   No, of course I've heard of you.  ...  I mean, yeah I understand like why me, but like why you?  ...  Uh-huh, right. "For market adaptation reasons -- the variety of the cultural contexts evolved" -- yeah, yeah, yeah, I know -- the human primates -- and all their hemisphere communication overload issues -- so you've provided for "a wide range of religious product platforms?"  ...  Uh-huh. "But in the end I can rest assured all human customers are equally served?" Great. You don't have like a gold card, platinum privileges program, where you can get like a little exception maybe? You know, like points for getting an extension?  ...  Right. Well, at least something's equal for all.  ...  You're telling me it's too bad? Who is this anyway, really?  ...   Sure, that's one way of putting it -- you're the representative of my tradition's wisdom? Look, would it be too much to ask..can I talk to your supervisor?  ...  No, I get it. You're like the messenger of the messenger -- and the Big's got lots of messengers, like you say "due to reasons of cultural evolution?"  ...  Uh-huh, so you're like the flunky of the flunky?  ...  Right. "Authorized representatives are not flunkies." Tell me about it.  ...  No, no, I didn't mean it that way. Really. I see..I see -- you're from like from one of the hypergroup's core denominational divisions, but the CEO, headquarters and the commitment behind the brands that's cosmos-wide.  ...  Right, like including all mortal life in dominance and market penetration.  ...  In outlook and will to action, you clearly have a very strong organizational culture. And that's good, that's good -- as I've always said, success begins with total clarity about your core business.  ...  Uh-huh,"the divine is not a business." Where've you been? Today, what's not a business?  ...  No, no, no I didn't mean it that way. Me, irreverent and dismissive? No way. No, you're a serious public service necessary for society. Uh-huh. I mean, after all, where would we be if everybody lived we would otherwise? But..but step outside the box for a minute and consider..if you shifted the paradigm, made it all a little more transparent and interactive so people could have some kind of empowerment over..over -- you know what I mean? And think of the revenue stream like if you could collect for signing up for more time! What? Yessir! Ohhhh...  ...   It's You!?  ...  My...  ...  My...  ...  Wait a minute, what about some verification here?  ...  What? No, no, of course, not -- sorry..sorry.  ...  Awesome...  ...  No, I didn't mean it like that, honest. Please, don't get me wrong.   ...  No, not at all. No, I really do understand.  ...  Yes, I understand. I really do. The One, True...  ...  Absolutely. Would I be one to doubt that?  ...  What do you mean, specially at a time like this?  ...   Wait, I'm just feeling..feeling so...  ...  This is actually quite stressful, now that I think of it.  ...  Why would I be upset? So what if it happens to everybody? It wasn't supposed happen to me, I mean like least not yet! Wouldn't you be upset if it happened to you?  ...  What's so funny?  ...   Okay, okay, so when it happened to your representatives? Listen, please  ...  Please, listen to me, I pray you...  ...  Did I say that?  ...  Look, I'm truly grateful for everyone and everything -- every single day so far and all the good and blessings in them. And I really appreciate your taking the time to talk to me personally. It's just I'm..still really busy. I've got a lot of things going on -- all sorts of things I got to do before... I can't just, you know...  ...  I need some time..get things..get my life..listen, let me tell you a little bit about me and my goals in life -- and no, I'm not already there...  ...  Well yeah, I suppose you do already know all a whole new dimension to the meaning of big data?  ...  Yes, yes of course. No, not at all, I understand completely -- you must be very busy.  ...  Oh, you're retired? Well, enjoy..and thank-you, thank you more than I can say, but...  ...  But if you're no longer on active duty, who's running the ship?  ...  Yes..yes of course..yessir, we'll do our best, but...  ...   Oh yeah, you bet I'll hold..thank you for everything.  ...   And they make me listen to this angelic music...yuhieie...  ...  I'm on hold for the next available representative -- now I know I'm going to get some extra time.  ...  Hello?  ...  Hello? You're back. Great!  ...  Wait a minute, you're not the same representative.  ...  "Doesn't matter at this stage," huh? No, why doesn't it matter? People can be very attached to their particular faith.  ...  What do you mean, "Gimme a break, I just blew it off all my life?" How can you say something like that? Specially at a time like this?  ...  Yeah, we did talk. It was awesome. In fact, as I was saying, I need some time, get things lined up like they ought to be..come through for those I could have loved more..and like even the material things -- like what's going to happen to my money? You're going to take me away from that too, aren't you -- and all the good things money can do?   ...  "Leave it safely behind with the living, like the memory you leave of yourself with them," you say? Oh, how seriously smarmy -- you could be a life insurance commercial.  ...  "And anyway, it's not going to make any difference where you're going"?  ...   Where am I going? And what do you know what makes a difference to me? All my life I've worked hard for what I've got. That's what I've done, really done -- that's where my time has gone -- all those hours slaving away at the office, and developing ideas, and creating opportunities and work for others, and projecting for the future, calmly, without silly wishful thinking and without greedy ripping off like those quack politicians and slimeball marketeers -- it's not just me that's gotten rich; I've helped other people get rich! And what do I get for that? That I'm just supposed to leave it all I don't care? Let me tell you something, people are very upset that they can't take it with them after all they've done -- after all the service they've rendered -- to make their money. I'm serious! At its most honestly successful, it's highly creative work.  ...  And so...  ...   No! Why?  ...  Everything has to adapt itself to its times..and that goes for everything. Money has a whole different meaning now -- you can't just disappear it from somebody when they die -- no!, no I didn't say that? -- yeah, like it's just some material trash of worldly dross and dreck when it's the very essence of our inter-connectivity the way we live today?  ...  "But not tomorrow?" Very funny. I always consider carefully where my money goes -- the way we live now, you are who you give your money to -- and never believe you don't get something back, whether you get what you gave for, or much more -- or a lot less.  ...  Look, I'm serious, just because that's how you've always done it, doesn't mean you can't innovate now.  ...  How do you know it won't make any difference to me? Do you realize how much I've given up in taxes all my life -- and it still gets to me how much of it they keep squandering on pig-headed uselessness -- why not spend all that money helping people who need it? You know how much money-denominational wherewithal exists today? you need one of those strips they wrap mummies in -- keep us composed for the life after? -- fit in all the zeroes...  ...  My fair share, I'm glad to give -- even more if they'd just simplify the extraction process so you can understand it and it's like the same for everybody and our -- like everybody's our -- rights are secured for real.  ...  You don't think like you could arrange for some divine inspiration for all those lawyer-politicians working on tax reform? Get them off the legal text bickering and special favors mongering and make them see it's about how people are relatively richer and poorer in the way of the world today? And then make it fairly equal for all -- like can't be the same, but still equal -- cause we're all so financially diverse.  ...  Well, yeah -- that...and you mention it -- so, equal and inevitable. Look, I remember every dime I've had to cough up in taxes -- and it adds up -- and you think I don't care about it after how they've wasted it -- so much of it anyway -- and now you want me to like kick the bucket and leave behind all I could still do with what's left over like in some kind of death tax? You want to know something else, the problem isn't inheritance taxes, it's the fact of inheritance because we have  ...  After all it's mine, why shouldn't I be able to take it with me if I want to? If I'd wanted my deadbeat relatives to have it -- no! that's beat like in heartbeat -- if I'd wanted my heartbeat relatives to have it, I'd have given it to them long ago -- in fact I've invested heavily and very successfully in the education of the ones that weren't useless -- and in all the matter..what they were. And you know what, it hasn't been easy providing those slackers the education and the attitude to get in there and make the best of all our planet has to offer -- and maybe give up some time, money and bad habits to save it?  ...  Hey, it was gratifying using money to make things happen for me and others. And you're telling me I'm not going to miss it? What do you know?  ...  What?  ...  Oh, well, thanks..nyah, forget good works -- it was an investment.  ...   Look, tell me something, have you ever had a creative business idea that made lots of money?  ...  So? So that's why you're a blessed-one honcho saint up there, right? Well, let me tell you, things have changed throughout creation and money matters just as much as all that other stuff people believe in -- maybe more -- you can't say that 'cause it's not approvedly correct I know but look at what really makes this planet's society seethe with life and heals or hurts the lives of all the people on it. What does love and sharing mean if there's no giving of means to earn a better life -- and that includes opportunity and all that enables it from learning experiences and R-and-D time to develop innovative ideas so you can make some money of your own and have the satisfaction of throwing it away on stupid stuff of every kind that clutters you out of house and home and you never got the time to use -- am I right, or am I right?  ...  Why? So that's why I should leave it all behind? No, not at all -- no way! You don't understand. I don't want to take any of the things I own -- but money's not a thing, it's a human relationship -- what's the point of having it and all the stuff it can buy if others didn't see you have it, moneygreen with envy?  ...  We only exist to the exent others envy us?  No! Why should I have to like give it all away by leaving it all behind? I've already given nearly all of it away. I mean, is this reasonable or is this reasonable? I just want to keep a small stake so I can stay in the game of human making and lending, getting and giving...  ...  What? Where've you been? "By the sweat of your brow" and all that other stuff -- that's for poor people.  ...  And why not? After all, it's mine, why shouldn't I keep it if I want to? Look, I just want to keep some crediting and debiting alive -- it's all just this-or-that in on-off gates churning in networks' galactic cloud out there beyond so how much of a deal can that be for me to take along some consciousness of bit-byte expressions of numbers? They're already metaphysical -- but they're my money! It's not like we're talking ancient tombs filled with finery and provision for the journey to the other side -- please, I just want some virtual digidigits for adding and subtracting, investing and cashing in -- the thrill of risk management so I know I'm alive! -- I bet it gets boring up there listening to that same old stupid playlist.  ...  What do you mean, "how do I know I'm not going to that other place?" Look, all I want to do is keep doing all that good stuff that only money can do. You know, like I'm still there? I am going to be still there..aren't I...? One place or the other?  ...  But damn it, they're my digits -- I earned them, the old fashioned way -- and people have real faith in far...  ...   What do you mean "which just goes to show?" I disagree completely.  ...  When you're in the right, it's never too late to disagree.  ...  I'm not hanging it up. Don't hang up! Listen, listen..really..I'm really..really..ohhhhh...  ...  I'm not used to being so dismissed like this.  ...  Look, how 'bout if you just move me down on your to-do list, like put me down to call me later, like at some future date?  ...  Uh-huh. Well, let's keep talking anyway. Right now, the way I see it, the only reason there's no doable deal here is cause you're like fixated on your grim reaper thing, but my life I think...  ...  What!? Can't do it huh?  ...  Like that'u'd put your job on the line, start messing with people's destiny, taking it out of their own will power to make the best of their good fortune or total lack thereof. Wait a minute, that doesn't make any sense.  ...  No, no, I wouldn't want to put anybody at risk of losing anything important.  ...  Well yeah -- I mean honestly, how're you going to create value if you don't risk...  You fucking immortals you got no skin in the game, that's what's wrong!  ...  "Whut? So there you go?"  ...  I'm not crying..I am crying.  ...  I understand. No! I don't! How 'bout it? Please! One last reprieve on the fragility of living?  ...  What do you mean, "I've had one all along -- just like everybody else?" Hey, you're not coming through to me -- you're really not.  ...  I refuse to die!  ...  Listen, I'm feeling a tad woozy -- I've always handled stress well, but..but...  ...  Do I have time to call my loved ones?...  ...  Update them on..on a developing situation...  ...  How 'bout if I just rest here for a minute, -- get my..oh my God..get my..strength back...  ...  Call me back, call me back okay when I've got some time, and we'll work something out, I'm sure of it.

Hello. Your correspondent may be unavailable. While you're waiting, select the pound sign for our shopping services, or select star for a message of the day.

Oh, I don't know. Somehow I just don't feel like shopping right now. I think I'll just breathe for a minute, maybe take a little power..down..nap...  ...  Like right now...  dies

Bee-bee-buh-lee-bleep, beep, beep, beep...ringtones etc.
If now you fall to sleep no more to wake,
then may your truest prayers be truly answered,
and on to new and lasting life your soul betake.
If so it is, then best you lead your life uncancered
by woundings of unkindness or injustice
that rend the life of those you leave bereft.
Or not. If death's no more than it-just-is,
then what's it matter what legacy you've left?
Or what? Except in our remembering
are those who raise their voice and act up justly
set apart from those who turn away dismembering
the kinship bonds of human equity and mercy?
At last breath taken by this body, mind, and beast
who won't think on all that matters most and least?